Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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