theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
