i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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