Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
