Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
