Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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