I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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