I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
