I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
