mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
