I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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