Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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