I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
