The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
