the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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