Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize