So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
