well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize