Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
