You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Everything about him screamed your future.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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