She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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