Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
