Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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