I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
