1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
