margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
