The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
