Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
