i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
