If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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