On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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