FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
