The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
