How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
