Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
