shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
