She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
