just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
