When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
