my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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