I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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