if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
