so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
