Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
