I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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