We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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