Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
