I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
