i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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