I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
