Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
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