hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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