Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
