Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There's always time for handjobs
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
