Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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