You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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