I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize