Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
